"Premium" Lies
Tuesday, October 02, 2007As per most mornings, today when I got to work, I wandered my groggy, morning hating self to the break room here at The Job and poured some coffee. Now, black coffee is good on of those mornings when I need a liquid slap to the face, but my normal coffe contains a mixture of about 1/4 Coffemate French Vanilla Creamer (Or sometimes Hazelnut, they spoil us on creamers here), 1/8 Sugar and 5/8 Coffee. Now before you damn coffee nazi's get on my case, we have good creamers, but the coffee is, well, not. Like cheap vodka, mixers are a must.
Anyway, this concotion requires mixing since the chief is not a fan of reaching the last sip and getting a slurry of creamer-like sludge. So, I grab one of the cheap flimsy little coffee straws. Today though I took the time to read the box. "Brew Rite Plastic Stirrers: Premium Quality Coffee Stirrers." Premium? The damn thing nearly melted in my fresh coffee! Seriously, it was like stirring with a wet noodle.
So first, like any good nerd, I had to double check the relevant definitions of the word "premium:"
-Above the nominal or par value of a thing.
-Of exceptional quality or greater value than others of its kind; superior.
So, by definition then, this stirrer is supposed to be above par and greater value for its type. Really? What are "standard" stirrers like? Dental floss? Or maybe in the package of standard stirrers there really isn't anything except instructions: 1. Insert finger 2. Stir. I pity the people going to coffee shops that purchace the low end ones that are bringing this "par" down.
There needs to be some regulation here. I mean, in the food industry in order for a food to be able to have the words "light" or "lower fat" it must have at least 1/3 less calories or fat than a stardard version. How can the anal retentive person who made that law let this pass? Clearly they're not a coffee drinker or Starbucks would have been pummeled to death long ago. Then again, they would just make up words to skate this law. Large? No that's actually small, Vente, my friend, VENTE!
I would petition my legislature, but that would actually take real effort. No, instead I shall just sit here, mixing my coffee with a wet noodle, and claim everything I do or make is premium regardless of actual quality. That's the Premium Quality Slacker way.
posted by Chief Slacker @ 1:28 PM,
3 Comments:
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At Tue Oct 02, 04:01:00 PM,
Porq said...
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"PREMIUM" post on your part Chief!!
I only saw one word spelled wrong, "STARDARD" but then, who really cares about just standard if you can get "PREMIUM"?
My big perk at work is BOTTLED WATER. All the department have the 5 gallon jugs sitting on the Hot or Cold tap-a-ma-jig.
You're making me drool like Homer Simpson for the "CREAMERS"!!!
OINK -
At Fri Oct 05, 08:21:00 AM,
Unknown said...
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i can't believe you actually did research and managed to get a whole blog out of this. bravo!
*hugs* -
At Fri Oct 05, 09:05:00 AM,
Chief Slacker said...
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Porq - Hmm, odd, I did a spell check twice and it missed it... weird!
We have the filtered water stations at each coffee area where you can get cooled or regular temp filtered water.
I finally tried out the havelnut creamer yesterday, it was pretty decent!
Shan - Hey, I had to do something besides work while you were asleep :O)