Slacker's Guide for Women
Tuesday, November 29, 2005From time to time here at the International Bureau of Slacking we like to reach out to the community and not only make it less productive, but also improve the relationships of the land. After all, friends don't let friends be productive ;O)
Originally, this was going to be a set of rules for women to help them deal with us male types. After some consideration though, it was decided that "rules" were much to rigid of a thing for the slackerly ways of the IBS. Besides, this is written by a guy, and we all know men and women rarely listen to each other, so guidelines are most likely the best that can be provided. Some you may know, some you may not. Hopefully this guide will be of use!
As with the Happy to Crappy and More Scale of Life this will be a constantly evolving guide. It can be added to and edited at any point if new guidelines seem necessary.
The IBS Guide for Women.
Men Really Do Have Feelings:
It might not be immediately apparent, but yes, guys do have feelings. Sometimes it takes a crowbar and a sledgehammer to get to them, but they're there. Having feelings of course means they can be hurt. As cool as they might come off about it, no guy likes to hear "Let's just be friends." Well, unless, possibly, the words "with a ton of benefits" is the end of that sentence. Also, that guy who's jerked you around before? Odds are he's an asshole because he's afraid of getting his feelings hurt. Think about it. Most assholes are like the bitchy jaded women, but with testosterone.
Careful With Those Questions:
At times this can go both ways, but it tends to be much more for the women. Us guys are fixers, doers, problem solvers, or whatever. If you ask, we're going to try and answer. No promises on the validity of the answer though. Also, before you ask a question, contemplate the worst possible answer you could get. And I don't just mean getting a "Yes" to "Am I fat?" No, no. I mean an answer that might have been good intentioned, but will leave you with a complex. Something like "No, well, maybe your thighs a little." Even when we do think out answers well, sometimes what sounded good mentally doesn't work well vocally.
You ARE Psycho:
You are! Just admit it and move on. It's step number one out of, well, probably a lot. Women are inherently psycho by nature. Now, before you livid ladies flood the IBS inbox with hatemail, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. The key is finding that guy who's personality matches your psychoses. Clean freak? Get a tidy guy. Nympho? Find a guy with Satyriasis. However, under no circumstances should you consider trying to impose those psychoses on a male. It's like mixing Chlorine Bleach with Ammonia, bad things, very bad things.
The Directions Aren't About the Directions:
No, this isn't another "Men don't need directions" comment. Any guy who thinks he can go anywhere at all, and not need directions deserves to be lost. Yes, Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, but he also ended up in the completely wrong place. So then what, he'll go out for a gallon of milk and come back a video from the porn shop? What the directions thing is about is the male ego. It's not that we don't want directions, it's that we don't like to be told we need to stop and get them. We men are proud types. At least it gives us an excuse when we're late!
Don't Be Late:
All those silly women's guides tell you that you should be a little late so that you keep us guys anticipating. Bull, meet Honkey. That might work on a date or two, but it gets old quick. If we're into you, we're into you. If we're not sure, and you're late, then odds are we're debating asking that girl with the red shirt for her phone number. No, not that one, the cuter one to the right, low cut top. Yeah that one.
Teasing = Bad:
We're not talking about playground, calling a kid four eyes type teasing here. Instead, this is about the relationship equivalent of that damned Lucy yanking the ball away from poor Charlie. Give a number to the rejection hotline if you don't want someone calling. If clothes come off, friends or not, we'll think sex is immanent. And you non-single women representing like you're single? STOP. Or I will find a way to make you wear BUTTONS!
Gets You. Gets Bored:
So many women are looking for a guy that "understands/gets/knows" them. Problem is that a guy who does that, most likely isn't attracted to you or won't be long. Guys do like some intrigue. As said above we like to figure things out. Too much elusivity is bad, as is too much knowledge. We want inspiration, and that rarely comes from someone we know like the back of our hand. Ask anyone who's in an extremely fulfilling relationship and they'll probably say they're constantly surprised and amazed by their partner. That doesn't come from something you completely understand. Plus, we're male, you're female. We'll never get each other. Deal with it!
Date Us, Not Us and 13 Friends:
Guys tend to deal with issue head on. We make our decisions and go with it. Yeah, sometimes that ends in a stunningly gruesome train wreck, but that happens. What we don't do is make every major relationship decision through our friends. Sure, Sally and Betty Sue, aside from being Nosy McNosertons, might seem to have good advice, but what's good for them may not be for you. Talk to US, not every friend in your phone and THEN us. And never EVER talk to another guy about issues with us. Guys are competitive possessive bastards. It's rare to find a guy who will give you truly unbiased advice about another guy even if they are a good friend. In actuality, many guys are pros are covert subterfuge. Even when you're not seeking advice, if we come up in the convo, they'll find a way to cast doubt. We're from Mars, named after the Roman god of war. HELLOOOOOOO???
Anyway, there's a good beginning to the guide. I hope this can be useful to some of you out there and I'm sure this will be added to over time. Now go forth and be better slackers!
posted by Chief Slacker @ 9:05 AM,
15 Comments:
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At Tue Nov 29, 01:19:00 PM,
Kira said...
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I accept fully that women are crazy. Of course, I also accept fully what Alex has told me on the issue. He has told me that women are crazy and that men are stupid...and that the reason why women are crazy is that men are stupid ;)
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At Tue Nov 29, 01:19:00 PM,
Marie said...
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I'm smiling over here since you bring up some very interesting and even valid points. I admit that I can be pyscho in occasion, but there are varying degrees of that and I am on the lower end of the spectrum. ;) And I agree about the keeping a tiny bit of mystery. I don't want my guy to know EVERYTHING about me or how I tick. That's damn near impossible anyway.
Oh, and I wanted to let you know that my brother who is also single and about your age is a HUGE fan of your blog. LOL. I'm sure he's waving and applauding you after reading this. hehe :-P
Great post, Chief! -
At Tue Nov 29, 01:26:00 PM,
OzzyC said...
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Looks like you translated one of those relationship books into English.
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At Tue Nov 29, 01:33:00 PM,
Marie said...
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Oh, and I have to agree with you on the being late thing. I hate to be late because it's rude, and I hate to be kept waiting. lol
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At Tue Nov 29, 01:54:00 PM,
said...
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Good work.
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At Tue Nov 29, 02:56:00 PM,
dasi said...
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I never said I wasn't psycho - but in a GOOD way, of course! lol Thanks for the insight, if I ever find myself close to a relationship again, I'll be sure to refer back to this...!
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At Tue Nov 29, 10:14:00 PM,
said...
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I would reply but I have so much damn homework. Maybe tomorrow.
As for now I would like to emphasize this point:
"You ARE Psycho"
Especially at 'that time of the month'. -
At Tue Nov 29, 10:42:00 PM,
Esther said...
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You bring up some good points, and frankly there are many things in here that guys have done to me, so it works both ways. As for the being late comment, I have never been late for a date. I'm usually early, waiting for the guy.
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At Wed Nov 30, 09:21:00 AM,
Chief Slacker said...
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Kira - This lends further proof that Alex is not really male. He's probably an alien posing as a guy. No real man would ever admit that ;O)
Marie - Seriously, nice picture, now stop giving me those eyes or i might have to make out with you or something. There are defintiely varying degrees, but you're all psycho. Exactly, once they know everything, it's boring. Tell your brother to comment and that he can feel free to tell more people about it and read it. Very glad he likes it! :O)
OzzyC - And yet, I've never read one ;O)
Marie - Yeah, I'm not a fan of waiting, once and a while is one thing,but being latel consistently drives me nuts.
Delmer - Thanks!
Dasi - Yeah, definitely refer back. And like I said to Marie, it's all about the degree of psychoness ;O)
Pieces - yeah see, teasing about commenting now! sheesh!
Cap - Frickin homework. always screws things up.
Esther - yeah, ther are defintiely some guys that fall into some of these. Women don't have a complete monopoly on being crazy ;O) -
At Wed Nov 30, 11:02:00 AM,
Unknown said...
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This is my first time here, Slacker, and I LOVED IT! ;)
hilarious... and true... post! -
At Wed Nov 30, 08:01:00 PM,
Marie said...
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Hehehe...glad you like "the look."
I will tell my brother to comment and spread the Slacker word. ;) -
At Thu Dec 01, 12:16:00 AM,
said...
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hey there chief slacker, i am marie's brother rob, and i have decided to drop you a note. I just wanted to say that your blog rules, i enjoy reading it and am spreading the word with my friends about the site. You preach the truth brother, keep up the good work and most importantly, keep slackin!
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At Thu Dec 01, 10:10:00 AM,
Chief Slacker said...
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Kellie - Welcome! I hope you visit often :O) yeah I tried to keep it real ;O)
Marie - Yah, defintiely like it!
OG - You sound a little bitter? Glad to see ya still around though :O)
Rob - Thanks man! And thanks for spreading the word! Hopefully I can keep up the good wrok, and of course the good slacking ;O) -
At Thu Dec 01, 10:41:00 PM,
Marie said...
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Yay!! My brother finally came out to comment! LOL ;)
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At Fri Dec 02, 11:53:00 AM,
Chief Slacker said...
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Marie - Yup! Yay for delurking!