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The Daily SlackerThe Daily Slacker

Companies Are Like Bad Boyfriends.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

...Or Girlfriends.

Yesterday was Caramel Apple Day here at my place of slacking. It got me thinking about how similar working for this company (which I gather is fairly similar to many other large companies in this corporate world) is to so many bad personal relationships people have. Let's break a few down shall we?

The Taken for Granted -

Everyone's had one of these. One or the other thinks everything's going along fine. I'm happy, you're happy, we're all living in happyland. The other side of that relationship is just a time bomb till that inevitable day of famous last words: "We'll I just assumed..." *BAM* Ass. You. Me. Emotional Explosion. Fight Ensues. When's the last time you felt appreciated at work? Most companies use the argument of "fiscal responsibility" or some mumbo jumbo like that to pay and appreciate you as little as possible, yet keep you around simply so they don't have to train someone else in. You do a kick ass job on some major project, get a pat on the back, then next time the want you to do better. Reminds me of a comic I saw. The caption read: "You're Right!! That one IS perfect. Just try a little harder next time!" The more they say, "Yeah, we're a good company, our employee's love it here. They'll never leave," the more they start to believe it.

The Cock Blocker -

This is more a friends thing than a significant other, but the bastards deserve to be called out. These mojo killing punks always strike when you least expect it. You're at some club working on this total hottie. You're so in the flirting groove that The Pope would hit the sack with ya. Just then your Ex walks up "Hey, I didn't know you come here." The Hottie hits the breaks like you had Paris Hilton's STD test results. Murder should be legal in some cases. This is damn near the same as that little weasel at work. You know, the prick you got your promotion derailed because he "accidentally" mentioned to the boss that you cam in late twice last week? Yeah and there's "accidentally" going to be a flaming bag of dog poo on your chair tomorrow.

The One Nighter-

People always try and claim they are, but they're rarely mutual. Meet the hottie, go home and have a great time. Start fantasizing about the dream wedding and kids err, I mean, Umm, the next date! The never hear from said hottie again. You wake up next to that empty pillow feeling more used than Tammy Faye's make-up spatula. Such is the life of a poor temp and/or contract employee. "Thanks for doing the job better than the person we're paying twice as much to call in sick. We have a lovely pink parting gift for you." Yes, these poor saps are the two dollar whores of the economy. Constantly screwed till the job is done, then dropped at the nearest curb.

The Tease (aka The Liar)-

Do I need to explain? Shut it. I'm gonna anyway. So you out with your date. It starts getting hot and heavy. Eventually something overtly sexual occurs, like, say, rubbing of the crotchle region. You head home, you SO know you're gonna score. "Oh, no, I'm waiting for that, I'm just really flirty." Balls. Go. Blue. Or whatever happens to the female types in the same situation. And it doesn't even have to be sexual. "Oh yeah I totally love Team X." You go buy tickets, get all excited for the game then get: "Well I don't really like the sport. The Team's ok though." Yeah, I'd wanna shove the tickets there too. So how about the company? You get hired and they're like: "Yeah, you get two weeks of vacation!" You go to schedule your nice Sunny, Beachy Vacation, submit the request and get told "Oh, well five days of the vacation time is really your paid holidays." Say WHAT!? Or almost as bad: "Prescheduled plant/company shutdown." Or how about: "Seeking person with X degree, great advancement opportunities." Then you find out too late, by saying advancement, they meant moving cubicles each year. . o O ("If, if, if I have to move one more time, I'm, I'm gonna burn this place down. I mean it.")

The Dr. Presents and Mr.Hyde -

Despite what Hallmark, FTD, Hersheys and apparently Hardee's want you to believe, gifts rarely fix any issues. Sure, it maybe he hard to yell at you for doing something stupid with a mouthful of chocolate, but the supply is bound to run out at some point. While being a couple days late for your anniversary might be forgiven over Godiva, Roses and a diamond tennis braclet, "I'm sorry honey! I didn't mean to sleep with her! It was an accident! I thought it was you not your sister!" well, wow. You're screwed buddy. I'd start wearing a Kevlar cod piece if I were you. Gifts might placate the anger, but they're certainly not going to fix the underlying fact that you're an idiot. This goes for companies too. Poor management and bad relations can be masked by giving out presents, but the problems remain. "Hey, great work on that project that's going to make us millions! Sorry we can't give you a bonus, but here's a candy bar and a $10 gift card to wal-mart." Or: "What do you mean we pay you less than industry average? Here have a caramel apple. Move along." We might be happy for a day or two, but you're foolin' yourself if you don't think we're scouring Monster.com! Well, when we're not setting our Fantasy Football lineups and ending each other porn anyway.

The Berater -

These are the people that think the squeaky wheel really just needs to be told what it's doing wrong. When it comes to compliments these people either believe in mental telepathy, or believe compliments are like fine china, keep them locked up and only bring them out when you have someone's ass to kiss. Instead of "Good god you're hot!" you get "You're going to wear THAT belt?" Forget the fact you left a love note in the lunch box, made dinner and did laundry, since you forgot to wash that ONE pair of socks: HELL! TO! PAY! Take those socks and shove em up... oh! Hi! Sorry back to the rant... Like you haven't had a boss like Idiot Boss do the same thing! You maybe have kicked ass at the last 6 projects, but you make one mistake and he sends out an email to the group. Never mind the fact you haven't missed a day of work in a year, but since you were too busy having lengthy chats with your porcelain pal to call in by 7am, you get written up. Don't think I won't come puke on your desk next time! Compliments shouldn't be THAT hard people, but don't be a Liar.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I'd rather let all of you? You have any other job relationships that parallel some dating horror story? Speak up!

posted by Chief Slacker @ 3:22 PM,


At Wed Nov 02, 04:58:00 AM, Blogger Kira said...

Oh oh oh, you forgot my ex! The Nutbag! Yeah, that's when you think life is great and then you wake up one day to a different person personality wise. It can even take place for years normally before it backfires and there we all are, wondering who that bastard is who is screaming that you're a fucking cunt bitch whore!

That'd be like the job wherein it all seems great. You are hired, and months into it you are thinking, hey this is a pretty decent job! And then you walk in and some basic policy is changed rather arbitrarily to something you can't understand nor tolerate. Then it turns out to be the beginning of some major overhauling in the company, and you wake up with a company that is now something else. Just like my nutbag ex ended up being possessed by satan and acting like another type of person in the end!

At Wed Nov 02, 07:56:00 AM, Blogger Amy said...

Perfect description. I love it.

At Wed Nov 02, 08:31:00 AM, Blogger Pieces of Me said...

or like that one time...
Oh wait a min Ive never had a job so I have no clue...oh well! You really lifted my spirits that I dont have to deal with any of that shit! Thanks! TTYL

At Wed Nov 02, 10:00:00 AM, Blogger Amber said...

I loved this post -- you paralleled everything SO PERFECTLY. It's true. All of it. Which is why I hate being in corporate America.

At Wed Nov 02, 10:33:00 AM, Blogger Esther said...

hmm, my old boss was a psycho, but she never paralleled anyone I ever dated. If she did, I think I would have killed myself.

At Wed Nov 02, 11:28:00 AM, Blogger MoxieMachete said...

Hmmm...the list echos a couple of choice companies AND boyfriends. Which is a little sad, really.

But it's never too late to tell them to pucker up and kiss your hiney.

At Wed Nov 02, 11:40:00 AM, Blogger S.C. said...

How about the "Beats you with a whip so you'll go faster and harder, but forgets to leave the money on the nightstand" type of relationship / company?

At Wed Nov 02, 12:00:00 PM, Blogger Chief Slacker said...

Kira - I think taht would be similar to the tease, but definitely a different twist. Definitely a good edition though :O) At least you have a good one now!

Amy - Made sense to me :O) thanks!

Pieces - yeah, you're a slacker born and bred eh? :O) You jsut wait, you'll probably have to some day! Welcome!

Amber - Yeah, I hate it to, but sometmies there's nothing you can do about it. Income is good, maybe someday I can have enough money to not have to worry about that!

Esther - Heh, yeah bosses are usually bad. Glad to hear you didn't have any exes like them ;O)

GDLG - yeah, i think anyone who's worked in corporate america or dated has had at least a couple of these. Oh well! And I'm hoping I never have to hear those words ;O)

S.C. - I think that's along the same lines as the berater. Jsut to the more extreme!

At Wed Nov 02, 04:46:00 PM, Blogger OzzyC said...

I think you covered 'em all. The worst part is, my management covers all aspects you mentioned in one way or another, at one level or another.

At Thu Nov 03, 09:30:00 AM, Blogger Chief Slacker said...

OzzyC - Yeah I've had at least one of these in every company. I'm sure there's moer too. heh.

At Thu Nov 03, 07:19:00 PM, Blogger FINY said...

OMG, this is freaking brilliant. I SO work for "the tease" right now.


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