Idiocy in Motion! (CARS Research)
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Stupid Drivers, they're everywhere! Breakdowns in driving skills seem to be increasing on the roads today. Like some virus slowly propagating and degrading the abilities of the motorists of the world. We'll call it Crappy Auto-driver Regressing Syndrome or simply CARS. This scourge must be stopped. I think it's time we assemble a crack team of investigators (ok, fine, slackers will do) and find a cure! Karla apparently has completed her research into a cure for pediatric AIDS, so she clearly needs a new challenge, and I'm hoping some of you will join in this fight!
Our first mission, like any good investigative team, is to isolate the cause of these issues. In order to do that though, we must first isolate those afflicted with CARS. We need to compile a thorough list of possible carriers so that we may study and possibly quarantine these subjects. I have compiled a list of some likely cases along with descriptions, but I need all of your help to add to this list and give us a large pool of persons to study! Read up and Add on! Help the cause!
Tailgaters: Tendencies to hump your rear bumper worse then a dog in heat. Suffers from delusions that drafting is legal on highways. When placed behind a slower moving subject, will sometimes have a redness of the face and uncontrollably spew profanities.
Weavers: Often mistaken for people sitting behind looms these cases are much more dangerous. Common tendency to alternate lanes for little or no reason. They typically lack a perception of speed and this creates a near paranoia that another lane is going faster. This paranoia can also lead to hallucinations of space betweens the cars of the other lane and seizures causing them to switch too fast.
Velociholics: Typically occurring in the left lane of major roads going well above the speed limit, these subjects have an addiction to high rates of speed. In these cases, the CARS virus seems to manifest itself with a densening of the right foot forming a condition commonly know and "Lead Foot." Velociholics can also have the traits of a Tailgater, Weaver or other as well.
Velociphobics: Suffering from an apparent fear of speed, this group is rarely found moving at or near the posted speed limits. This condition is often compounded when rounding a bend in the road and especially when cornering. Susceptibility to this condition seems to increase with age.
Road-Blockers: This is an acute case typically found within the Velociphobic group but not limited to it. The primary characteristic of this set is inability to change lanes regardless of speed and traffic behind themselves. Sometimes accompanying this condition is a flailing of the arm in what can be described and a "go around" motion.
Blinkaholics: This portion of the CARS population seems to have an innate need of rhythmic clicking and flashing. In some cases these subject have been known to drive for miles with their turn signal on in order to fill this void.
Blinkaphobics: As above this condition is associated with rhythmic lights and clicks, but these persons have the opposite reaction to them. Avoiding these sounds and sights, they use the turn signal as little as possible. There is also a possibility Blinkaphobics posses a fear of flipping small handles though this has yet to be confirmed.
Brighters: This group typically have low night vision, or possibly forgetfulness with removing their sunglasses. Having a need for more light, they will tend to keep their high beam headlights on as much as possible and only dim them at the last minute when needed if at all.
Rubber-neckers: Having an extreme addiction to staring at anything unnatural on the side of the road, these subjects will temporarily show signs of Velociphobia and often Road-Blocking. This manifestation of CARS seems to be one of the more prevalent ones and can be spread very quickly among motorists in the same vicinity.
The International Bureau of Slacking needs your help with this continuing investigation. If you have discovered or witnessed any other exhibitions of the CARS virus, please record your findings here so we can stop this epidemic!
posted by Chief Slacker @ 5:27 PM,
4 Comments:
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At Fri Mar 03, 04:04:00 PM,
said...
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I have installed a Tailgater Defense System. I've adjusted one of my windshield washer jets to squirt over the minivan. If someone gets too close, I give them a squirt.
Even if they don't get the message, I feel better. -
At Fri Mar 03, 04:35:00 PM,
dasi said...
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Ok, Chief, you need to name this one - what about all those jerks who leave a long line of cars waiting at a light, construction site, etc. to go around and into the lane that MERGES WITH THE LANE THEY JUST LEFT ABOUT 100 YARDS UP???? JUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T FEEL LIKE WAITING??? AND THEN EXPECT YOU TO LET THEM IN???????????? Sorry. This one really gets me.
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At Tue Mar 07, 12:34:00 PM,
Just Me said...
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damnit chief...you still don't have a slacker from texas ;-)~
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At Mon Mar 13, 09:03:00 AM,
said...
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Crack team of investigators?
I can investigate while on crack. How's that?