The Most Boring Wedding Ever...
Sunday, June 12, 2005That was horrible.
First off, the church it was at was hideous. I'm not a super religious guy, but I guess I believe that a house of God should look the part. This place looked like a cheap convention center wanna-be where some people were playing church. It had a super high ceiling so things echoed a lot, had the whole exposed girder and ventilation thing going on and the front was pretty much just a stage. That and stage was about 25 feet from the first pews, so there was this huge open area. And to top off the whole cheap "let's play church" feeling, the cross in the center of the stage was coming apart. Instead of having a solid wood cross, it was basically two crossed hollow boxes. The side of the long portion was coming apart and you could see all of the little joint tabs. What is it with all these commercial like churches nowadays?
Anyway, the ceremony was pretty long. When the one pastor (they had two) started giving "Words about the Bride," that apparently translated into English as "Her whole life story from middle school on". The other pastor talking about the groom gave a quick funny story then talked of his character quick. Not a 20 minute retelling of his life.
The brother and sister of the bride sang a duet at one point... Ow. The sister was good, had a nice voice and all. The brother? Karaoke gone bad. He sounded like he might have had potential if he sang about two octaves lower. In the beginning of the song he tried to hit this high note and missed terribly. I did one of those choke laughs. You know, the ones where you want to laugh, but know it would be totally inappropriate so you choke it down. I recorded some of it on my PDA, so I'll have to see if I can get it up on here.
The reception was held in the same church as the wedding, so you walked out of the sanctuary, down the hall like 20 feet and found a table. Unfortunately they didn't take pictures or any of that beforehand, so we had to wait about an hour before the bridal party actually did the little grand march thing.
After the party got there, they started serving buffet style dinner. Several of the people who were there talked up this lady and said she always does an excellent job catering and stuff, so I was looking forward to something special for dinner. It turned out to be dinner by Ikea. For those of you who don't know the wondrous place called Ikea. It's basically a Swedish Wal-Mart but for home furnishings. Tons of relatively cheap but cool furniture. They also have cafes in them and serve up tons of Swedish meatballs. That pretty much describes the dinner. Ikea Swedish meatballs green beans and salad.
Since it was in the church, there was no dancing whatsoever. I'm fine missing the chicken dance and all the other lame crap they do at weddings, but come on. You expect some entertainment or some sort of real celebration at the wedding. Not just dinner.
And to top it off. No alcohol either. We toasted to the speeches with plastic cups with water in them. WATER!
So everyone eats, they cut cake, 20 minutes later they toss the bouquet and garter, then maybe a half hour later they had the rose petal send off and it was all done. Started at 3, done before 7. That was NOT worth 6 hours here and 6 hours back.
If I didn't get to hang out in Madison, Wi (AKA College partytown USA) tomorrow I'd really be pissed about this whole thing. Arg, I need a drink and I know there isn't a drop of alcohol in this house. Her mom was afraid people might see the beer in her house after she made beer brats for them one time a while back she had to give the leftover beer to the neighbor.
If any of you out there in cyber geekdom have perfected transporter technology, wanna beam me a whiskey diet? Or maybe a nice scotch on the rocks?
The ride home is going to be interesting.
posted by Chief Slacker @ 12:50 AM,
6 Comments:
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At Sun Jun 12, 08:09:00 AM,
said...
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No alcohol at a wedding?
Isn't that violating some sort of rule or regulation?
That just saps all the fun straight out of it, dude. I feel for ya. -
At Mon Jun 13, 10:47:00 AM,
Chief Slacker said...
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No wine, no beer, no dancing, nothing. It was horrid.
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At Mon Jun 13, 03:49:00 PM,
said...
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I think we almost everyone in the South has been to that kind of wedding, but having been to the more entertaining variety too, I have to agree - that's just sad. Especially after driving six hours.
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At Wed Jun 15, 11:48:00 AM,
Marie said...
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I had to laugh at the picture you portrayed here. I've never been to a wedding THAT bad. Wow!! I hope you had fun AFTER you left the...festivities.
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At Wed Jun 15, 01:48:00 PM,
Chief Slacker said...
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I hoped the same thing after the wedding Marie... didn't happen :O(
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At Wed Jun 15, 11:12:00 PM,
Cerridwen said...
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must be a VERY conservative wedding...huhmmm not even wine to for the toast? ugh!